Speaking exclusively with Hero Habit for the first time since April, 2022, A’s president Dave Kaval announced an end-of-season promotion as a final farewell to longtime, devoted fans. Prior to the start of each game during the final homestand in Oakland, the A’s will exchange your favorite green and gold gear for brand new fitted Giants hats and apparel.
“We’ve been a vital part of Oakland’s history and civic pride for nearly six decades,” Kaval told Hero Habit, “but I’m very confident that we’ve burned all our bridges and that our loyal, dedicated, long time fans will quickly become fans of the San Francisco Giants and be desperate for some new gear to wear at games. It’s the least we can do for the millions of dollars our fans have given us over the years.”
The Athletics plan to spend the next three years playing in a park more commensurate with their financial outlook and overall team quality before announcing that their Las Vegas deal is a bust which means their final homestand in Oakland will in fact be their last. Though the years in Sacramento won’t be branded as such — choosing to use a region-free moniker — Kaval is excited about the team’s future.
“We’re looking forward to our opening weekend celebration in Sacramento. We’ll be giving away like-new A’s hats to a number of patrons* and really leaning into our long, storied history as a AAAA ballclub. A lot of great A’s players spent time in Sacramento and we’ll be surprising fans by fielding some of those players in 2025 as a part of our budget-friendly initiative to dismantle our scouting department and focus solely on reviving the careers of known players from the late 80s and early 90s. It’s truly going to be baseball like you’ve never seen.”
When asked if he plans to attend any of the games for the final homestand, Kaval claimed to “have a thing” that night but that he knows “Oakland fans love me and will embrace me with open arms. They love the bar renovations that I’ve overseen as well as the other bar renovations on the other side of the park. Sometimes I’ll walk through the concourse and people come up to me and say that I’ve been an important and vital part of many bar renovations in the Coliseum and that really means a lot to me.”
Hero Habit reached out to John Fisher, disgraced millionaire and heir to someone else’s fortune but he refused to comment on the hat swap specifically but did send a boiler plate statement asking if we knew anyone who could lend him some money for a “great project in the desert”.
“We’ve worked really hard over the last few years to ensure as many of our fans jumped across the bay to San Francisco as possible,” Kaval said proudly. “For their part, the Giants have been great partners by blocking our relocation efforts to San Jose, granting us access to their minor league baseball facilities, and next week they’re announcing a dedicated section for Will McNeil and his friends to hang out in when cheering on their new favorite Frisco baseball team. Whether it was trading an all-star team’s worth of roster, letting a beloved manager leave, firing our broadcast team, or doubling the prices for tickets, we’ve truly revolutionized what it means to leave a long-time home. I think history will show that all of this was a great success and this hat swap will be the final bow in our agonizing and prolonged curtain call.”
No plans about future outreach to Sacramento fans have been announced yet but our sources within the A’s front office assure us they will be “meaningless and disappointing” to all parties involved.
The final games will be played in September. Sell the team, John.
*Total hat count will be determined following the hat-swap in September
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