It’s postseason time and the only team I know a serviceable amount about finished last in their division.
So what does that mean? It means I’m going to predict the outcomes for all of the postseason teams, which I only pay attention to when they play my team or they make the news.
Note: I’m a baseball doctor, all of my opinions should be taken literally.
American League Wild Card: Orioles vs. Blue Jays
I don’t really want to talk about wild card games considering what happened in 2014 for my team, the Oakland A’s, but I’m going to do my duty as a Doctor of Baseball and suffer through it.
Who I Want to Win
The Blue Jays because blue jays are a less weird bird than orioles. It’s a Good Bird vs. Bad Bird situation here, and I want the blue ones to win. I can’t go without mentioning, however, that I hate both of these teams. The Orioles are annoying as s*** and Jays fans are truly scoundrels. But whatever, GO JAYS!
Who Will Win
The Blue Jays will win. I know this. I’m a doctor. What’s my reasoning? Their angry Canada magic will rise up to eclipse the Ugly American Birds. Also, something, something, Josh Donaldson.
National League Wild Card: Giants vs. Mets
Who I Want To Win
More than anything else in this postseason, I want the Mets to beat the San Francisco Giants and eliminate them. I’m an A’s fan, as I mentioned, and I take the Bay Area rivalry very seriously. Plus, if you’re not a Giants fan, then Giants fans are the worst (except for my beautiful and lovely, totally not the worst Giants fan friends). I will tune in on Wednesday, October 5, and pray for Noah Syndergaard to use his Norse God powers to defeat the evil postseason overlord, Madison Bumgarner.
Who Will Win
The Giants. I don’t want to talk about it.
AL Division Series: Blue Jays vs. Rangers
Who I Want To Win
This postseason will hopefully be the only time I ever feel the need to root for the Texas Rangers, and that is who I want to win this series. As I said, I hate the Blue Jays despite wanting them to win the Wild Card Game. I can only choose Canada for so long, and Texas is like, super American. By the way, has anyone found the basement at the Alamo yet?
Who Will Win
The Blue Jays will trump the Rangers the way that scary Texan republicans hope that Donald Trump will trump Hillary. The series will go 5 games and the angry Canadians will be the victors.
AL Division Series: Red Sox vs. Indians
Who I Want To Win
Um, preferably neither. But like, if I have to choose, I’m going with the Red Sox. I heard Boston is nice and really, Ohio doesn’t even exist. Trust me.
Who Will Win
I envision an Indians win just because I don’t want it to happen. The series will last 3 games and it’ll be painful for everyone involved, especially me.
NL Division Series: Dodgers vs. Nationals
Who I Want To Win
What? Choose between my two bandwagon teams? Ouch. But, considering that like, 72% of the Dodgers are former A’s, I’m going with the Dodgers. I’ve been rooting for Rich Hill ever since he didn’t hinder my quest for bananas in Minneapolis last July. It’s a long story that’s not nearly as interesting as it sounds, although it may not even sound very interesting. Anyway, whatever, WIN FOR VIN.
Who Will Win
The Dodgers will beat the Washington Walgreens, which, if you hadn’t realized it already, you’re probably sitting there going, “Huh, the Nationals logo really does look like the Walgreens logo.” You’re welcome. The series will go 5 games, Bryce Harper will not homer but he’ll have between 3-7 RBI, he may be HBP, and there will be a Werthquake. But the Dodgers will move on victorious.
NL Division Series: Giants vs. Cubs
Who I Want To Win
Ew. The Cubs. Not a Cubs girl right here, but you bet your ass I want them to defeat the evil postseason franchise.
Who Will Win
The Giants. Ugh. Probably in 5 games, maybe just 3.
AL Championship Series: Blue Jays vs. Indians
Who I Want To Win
Come through, you dumb lil birds. I want them to win for me. I want them to win for Drake.
Who Will Win
The Indians, again, just to spite me. Probably to spite Drake, too.
NL Championship Series: Dodgers vs. Giants
Who I Want To Win
You already know the answer here.
Who Will Win
You probably already know the answer here, too. The Dodgers lose before this series even begins. Don’t even show up, cause that Giants’ “Even Year Devil Magic” is real and it is strongest against the Dodgers here at this time of the season.
World Series: Giants vs. Indians
Who I Want To Win
So gross. Please just cancel baseball. I don’t want to choose between these teams.
Who Will Win
The San Francisco Giants will win another even year World Series, they’ll do it in seven games just because they can, and I will cry myself softly to sleep knowing that justice does not exist in this world.
The image appearing at the top of this article is 2016 Topps Now MLB card 533. For more information on that set, visit the Topps Now Hub.